“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.”
Psalms 27:10 NLT (New Living Translation)
"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy.”
Psalms 68:5 NLT
“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.
Rev 3:20 NLT
Growing up, I used to think that growing up without an active father was a disadvantage, and for awhile I acted as though that were true. My heart was constantly yearning for love and acceptance. I wanted so badly to be held in my dad’s arms, I wanted to feel like treasure. I so desperately wanted my dad to treat me like his princess. When he left, I felt like my dad robbed me of security that I needed to thrive as a young woman. I always felt like I was dealt the shorter end of the stick. I felt so vulnerable and unprotected. Many times, I felt rejected, unworthy of love, or affection. My dad’s absence set the standard of how men should treat me and I followed after that model. As I grew older, into my late teenage years, I began to date. Oh Lord how that was traumatic experience after traumatic experience!
During those relationships I allowed men to set my value by how they treated me. I believed I was worth nothing more than a piece of pleasure. I literally felt like that all I could offer was pleasing them and if I didn’t, then I was nothing. I felt like I had to earn their approval by doings those things. I thought if I did what they wanted, they wouldn’t abandon me like my dad had.
You see, all my life I felt I had to earn my dad’s love. That I had to earn a phone call, earn flowers, and earn his time. When those relationships failed tragically, my emotions spiraled out of control. I developed panic attacks because the very thought of being pushed aside or tossed away like trash filled my mind. I had no remedy for those repeated thoughts and feelings. I literally wanted to die to end all the pain, because I was in constant pain. Everyday, I woke to pain because I was reminded of my dad’s absence over and over again.
That is until recently, when God showed me the truth. When God’s truth set me free from the cycle of depression. I fell to my knees in prayer, I had no words just tons of tears and groans. I was in agonizing pain, I was literally screaming! As I cried out to God, just so tired of the cycle of depression and anxiety I was experiencing. Tired of picking the wrong guys, tired of feeling like trash, tired of brokenness, tired of constant insecure thoughts, tired of self-hatred. Just weary and heavy burdened, I could no longer function like this! My depression was beginning to affect my job performance and the people I interacted with daily. I said, “Lord I just want it to end!” In that very moment God drew close, He told me,
“You were never without a Father, because I am the Father of All Fathers! I knew you before you were born and before I created the earth. The love that you are searching for, that you long for is all in Me. I’m standing out here waiting for you to just let me in your heart and fill up all your empty spaces. My love is greater than what your earthly dad can ever give you! If you don’t believe me, just look at the cross! You see my daughter, I allowed your Father to leave so you can experience my love more intimately, so I can give you favor, so I can prove myself to you in ways that others will not experience! I have a plan for you to prosper you! I continuously provided and protected you like a Good Father! Just look around! I turned your dad’s absence into an advantage because, now I have an obligation to draw even closer to you than others! Daughter, quit searching for what I so generously give! I’m right here, I am love!
From that moment on God’s Words sank into my heart deep and filtering out all the lies of Satan. God’s words gave me freedom to love and obey Him! Most of all, freedom to love myself! From that day on, I told God, “You are welcome in this place.” My dad left a vacancy and now I am filled because my Heavenly Father is home!
Grace Brown is an aspiring attorney currently residing in Brooklyn, New York. When Grace isn't studying for her LSATs she is playing guitar, acting, modeling, exercising and writing.