There are some loves that are hard and inconvenient….
I love Person A dearly. I would move Heaven and Hell to see them happy. I will stop my life to make sure that they knew that I loved them. Anything they could or would ask of me, I’m willing to give.
Our hearts pump life through veins that share eclectic DNA.
Long ago, Person A broke my heart. They broke my heart during some very definitive times in my life and because of these heartbreaks, I have reason to distrust those who say they love me. If Person A can break my heart, and our hearts pump life through veins that share eclectic DNA, how am I to trust anyone else?
Enter Person B.
While Person A, slowly broke me down, I found solace in Person B. We laughed, we talked, we vented. We clicked. Person B and I were so incorporated into each other’s lives, it felt like we shared everything. Person B, was a Christian like me, but they pushed me to be able to “be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:” 1 Peter 3:15.
We talked Scripture, we talked life, we talked love. Eventually, I fancied myself in love with Person B. I knew it was a bad idea, and for awhile I kept it to myself. I wasn’t Person B’s type after all. We talked often enough that I realized any romantic notions, any flames I held should be quenched, because they would only burn me in the end.
But Person A was not done with me. Person A periodically would find new, deep ways to hurt me. Person A would use my love as a weapon, bludgeoning me for any missteps or misinterpretations of my actions. I love Person A with all my heart. All my soul. How can I show them that I love them? How can I convince them that it’s true? Bit by bit I cut my heart open, hoping that just maybe, if they saw inside, they’d believe me. If I presented to them the fleshy pieces where I had tattooed my love, would that be enough?
Person B had no idea, but I needed a balm for my wounds. I needed refuge. I was too wrapped up in compartmentalizing my life to fuse together the right pieces. In this box, there was God, Church and Ministry. In this box there was friends, family and school. In this box was pain, insecurity and depression. Then in this box there was Person B.
I made some decisions concerning Person B that were wrong. I crossed lines that we have never recovered from. Lines that no matter how we’ve tried haven’t been replaced or recreated. There’s a history there, that won’t be erased. We struck a match, let loose the flame, and I got burned in the inferno.
Person A and Person B are both still in my life.
One of the hardest parts of adulthood by far has been reconciling, repairing and healing from these experiences.
Yet, still, how do I accomplish this process without becoming bitter or un-Christ like in my attitudes and behaviors moving forward? First and foremost I must hurt.
I so desperately want to be a better [insert familial title here] and a better friend. We are given/born with titles by people we love and love us. Then, without training or warning, thrust into situations that solidify or destroy those relationships. We are expected to just know how to be a good friend, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, mother, father…etc. We learn through experience mostly, but we are human and we err.
Blessedly, if you believe in Christ and you adhere to the standards He presents in the Bible, you have a cheat sheet of sorts. There are some things He is very clear on, and others you have to dig a little deeper to find. I hope to help with that.
I’m still figuring out what to do about Person A and Person B. As I am figuring it out, I’ll share what I learn.
So far the process has called for me to forgive myself. I’ve made some poor decisions when it comes to these two people. I have not always responded in love and because that’s what I aspire to, I beat myself up about it. Christ calls us to love as He has loved the church (John 13:34) and that includes myself. So the goal is to be better at it. I love Christ as He loves me, so that I may better love others.
So here goes.